Tug-of-War

Although I know I don’t have to make a decision yet about what I’m going to do this fall, there’s already a tug-of-war in my heart between coming back to Cameroon or staying in California.

I love it here: the colors, the hospitality of people, the scenery, the marketplaces, the slower pace of life. It never ceases to amaze me just how many people (or pineapples!) can fit in a taxi. Also, the drivers here are very skilled—swerving around bumps, potholes, other cars, and goats. And people here love hosting. I can just drop in at someone’s house, and they’ll eagerly shake my hand, usher me into their home, and offer me something to drink.

Likewise, it is so fun having an open house, where people drop by our home all the time. It’s fun playing games with the kids and drinking coffee with the adults. Hiking and horseback riding never get old, either, and I love the new experiences, like helping pluck a chicken.

I also love feeling useful—watching Katelyn and Lum improve with homeschooling, teaching reading classes, leading Bible club, and loving on the handicapped students. In some ways I feel like I’m just getting started with all these ministries, and that there’s so much more I could do.

Then the other side of the rope starts tugging. I miss home: my family, my friends, my church, my car, cheese-its, Starbucks iced coffee, and frozen yogurt. I miss being there for important events, like weddings. I miss making brunch on Saturday mornings with my housemates and going to my friends’ weekly pasta nights. I still have a desire to minister to inner city kids and teach in California.

As both ends of the rope tug at my heart, I just have to keep coming back to the only thing that remains the same. Psalm 83 reminded me this morning of how blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord. His dwelling place is lovely, and he never tires of showering blessings on his children. Even the sparrow doesn’t have to worry about finding a protected place for her nest—God always provides abundantly. So I don’t know if I can expect the tug-of-war to resolve anytime soon, but I do know I can always find security in who God is, and in who I am in God, and that God will direct me in his time. My friend Sarah gave me a really great verse that applies perfectly to this struggle: "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" (Is. 30:21)

Please be praying for wisdom and peace, as I continue to pray for God's direction for my future, and wait on his timing.